Dear Beloved Family,
I am going to tell you the truth this time, the truth about my stay here to go into war. It is not as nice as I tried to persuade you it was. It is horrible, the images that I see during the day, hunt me, and I sleep bad. All the men, and young boys I killed, their faces are now glued to my memories. My consciousness is plenty, I killed too many lives. I pity all of the soldiers killed on the battle field. Everyday I go out to fight, I am scared to never come back, and to be tossed with the other bodies, or even worse never be found again. I fear that the enemies catch me and imprison me. For you to understand better, and have an image of what I am saying, I am going to tell you about my days here. I wake up at 6 AM, after washing my face, I look at well in the mirror, and see if I have changed. I feel different, as if every person I killed changed me. I then dress and get ready on the battle field. When the shots start, adrenaline races through my blood. I don't think anymore. I just act, and try to protect myself and my country. When I see the bodies of my friends and my brothers on the ground nausea overwhelms me. I get mad and try to take revenge from the other side. When I kill someone and I know that I am still here in this world, I am happy. This happiness scares me. Its telling me that I have become a monster for being happy for killing a life. After my day, I go back to the base, and I look at myself once again in the mirror. I see a different me, I am covered with blood and mud. I have suffered of some injuries, and my eyes are red. I try to not cry for all the lives lost in the massacre today. I eat and then go to sleep. I escape from the others and from my haunting thoughts. I escape into the world of dreams. However, I fail to escape, because I relive the memories of the war once again in my dream. Although I feel all of this I try to control myself to not become crazy, and I go on with life. I love you, and I miss you. I will be waiting for your reply with impatience.
With love,
Your Eldest Son
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